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Tuesday, 7 August 2012


Hello all,

As you may have been noticing I have been struggling to keep my series of blogs up and have decided to do the right thing. No... not give up blogging and empty the chambers of my revolver in my head. I have amalgamated all of my blogs into one blog. I hope you enjoy it. 

Thanks to all of you over the years for your support.

Baron Chris

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Time for a quiz children

I got bored and decided to share detail about me which means probably even less to me than it does to you.

1. How often do you play games?
Everyday, interrupted at meal times.

2. When and how did you start playing games?
When I was eight, I had a Playstation 2 controller thrust into my hands by my cousin and I began killing defenceless hookers on GTA3.

3. Approximately what is the average time you play games each week?
I'm overweight and single. Too much.

4. What type of games do you like? (genre of the game)
Strategy and Role Playing Games.

5. How do you select games to play?
How pretty they look.

6. What are some of your favourite games?
For my sins, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, The Sims and The Movies.

7. Why do you like those games you like? What are some of the features that makes you like it?
What is this, twenty fucking questions?

8. What are some features of games that you hate?
Mainly that they are made by Ubisoft.

9. Is there any game that you hate in particular?
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, Medal of Honor and Bully.

10. Do you play games for pure entertainment or for educational purposes as well?
Well, I have always wanted to know how to kerbstomp someone, so yes, I guess it's both.

11. Is anyone against you playing games?
My Therapist.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Fancy a cheap holiday?

I would make a big deal about my reappearance onto the blogging scene, but I have returned from retirement as many times as Cosmopolitan writes about how to make your sex life better. This has a simple answer and can be summed up in two words- Rampant Rabbit. As an undead enthusiast- probably some psychological defect from my childhood, Dead Island has touched a soft spot in my heart, to the extent that Stubbs the Zombie once did and the lead up has made me almost as excited as when I found out you can still buy Sunny D. Pre-purchased on Steam, the wonderful PC program that means you never have to leave your house ever again; I was not at all let down when I finally got my tits on it. In fact, my first sitting of the game saw me miss three meals and one whole day of sunlight, as I was so immersed in the gameplay.

So children, let us summarise. Dead Island is a first person shooter with role playing elements and a fuckload of zombies. Your character, of which you have four to choose from, has somehow ended up on a paradise island, to find that an airplane of Glaswegian tourists have also landed via First Choice flight and are intent of biting people. The game starts as the much like how it would start for me- waking from a drunken stupor mid-afternoon. He or she (I was disappointed by the absence of a sandwich making mini game) meets up with a group of normal holiday makers, most of whom have adopted the foetal position and wish they had not taken their wife’s advice and come on holiday. The few survivors, who are still coherent, start you on quests, ranging from retrieving food, valuables and teddy bears. I’m not joking.

Your hero doesn’t actually seem too bothered about the whole situation, and like most characters you play as in the majority of games, lacks an emotion, opinion and says very little. It is not until late game that a woman in the corner thinks of the crazy idea of getting off the island and not doing a George Michael and hiding in a public toilet. The feckless stupidity was rather annoying, and it seemed that the majority of people you encounter had paid for their holiday from their Jobseekers Allowance and probably wouldn’t look out of place on media studies or sociology university courses.

If you were to compare it to already released games, I would say it was a smoothie of the Condemned, Left for Dead and Dead Rising series. However, it is not set in a shopping centre and its graphics are far superior to L4D, and to be quite honest most games that I have encountered. Unlike other games in this genre, it focuses on melee attacks, and not being packing as much heat as Sarah Palin. This is why I say it resembles Condemned; similarly things sneak up on you and make you wish you were playing online Scrabble. The main contrast is that you can see what you are attacking in DI, thus not having to mash your keyboard at the darkness of a sewer until ‘the bad man goes away’.
I will reiterate the excellence of the graphics. Even though riddled with the infected, it still looks better than a holiday at Butlins and I would risk having a drink at one of the many poolside bars. It is highly likely you will stand for a couple of minutes and toss off to the sight of a highly detailed deck chair. Not many games have made me wipe bodily fluids off my computer- except when I pissed on the most recent Medal of Honour game. There is a variety of zombie types, like Valve’s zombie series, but Dead Island just seems to have more variety amongst the minion zombies and unlike other games you don’t think, “Didn’t I just kill him at the water cooler on the second floor?”

Its’ reception has been mixed, from lows of 3/10 from Edge magazine to 80/100 from Metacritic. Personally the journalist responsible for reviewing this game from Edge deserves to be lynched- though seeing their circulation is falling faster than a Slim-Fast meeting hosted on a hot air balloon; he’ll probably do it himself when the company have realised he is an utter dickshit and can’t tell his tongue from his balls. Dead Island is a darn good game worthy of recognition for not only its’ decent story line, neat graphics and an advanced style of play- with an upgrade through level system, like- dare I mention- World of Warcraft. Oh what the monkey balls, this is the BEST zombie game I have ever missed work for. It is unlikely to gain appreciation in the awards this year, comparable the barn on the outside of town, towered over by the Gears of War Tower and Call of Duty Sewage plant. After being asked earlier, no Dead Island is not like Call of Duty’s Nazi Zombie extra content. Nazi Zombies is shit. Got a problem? Take it up with Hitler- he’s in the corner eating Goering’s brains.

Three years in the making, they deserve a trophy for their deadication.

Get it? You see I said deadica… oh screw you all.


Thursday, 29 October 2009


I thought I'd review something a little different today. I feel that I review too many shoot-em/punch-em up games and not enough which captivate the others within the reading populous. So today I have decided to review Nintendogs, a game for the Nintendo DS. It is basically a simulation of how to look after a dog, as you probably wouldn't be trusted with one. A woman the other week was playing it on the bus and I said, "Oh, I like dogs too! Let's exchange recipes!" I don't really get the bus often. The game is a fantastic insight into... I can't do it. It's a shit game, now to something decent.

Batman: Arkham Asylum, or as I abbreviate it, 'BAA' was a game brought out in early September. Unlike previous Batman games, this one isn't loosely based around a disgraceful plot and horrific mouth/ voice synchronization. Oh wait, that's still there. The story however is based around one written by Paul Dini, whose credits include Batman: The Animated Series and Lost: Season One (unfortunately).

It is a simple story which starts with the Batman taking a lovely trip on a country lane towards Arkham Asylum, with the Joker riding shotgun, bound up as if he were the sweet little girl on the train tracks in those god-awful vapid films in the early part of last century; who are about to be made into cliché jam. So they skip into the psychiatric prison and the Joker rick rolls a guard, running into the mad house. So Batman, being the testosterone fuelled twat that he is, charges in to find the lovely Joker.

The game isn't just running around knocking goons to the floor, but also past villains who Batman locked away. The thing that I don't like about the realism of the game, is the fact that if it took a whole comic to take out just one of the villains; how the hell does he take them all out in a few hours of game play? The villains are well developed, great voices and interesting cut scenes. I didn't moan every five minutes for inaccuracy, which I know many people will be happy with. We have appearances from the poorly-clad Poison Ivy, the doped up Scarecrow and Bane, who bears much resemblance to many people at my Gym (Yes, I do go to a gym). There is no sight of the Penguin or Two Face, although there is the odd mention of them and collectible items (wooo).

When it comes to graphics and all those technical things many people reading this drool over, it's pretty damn good, keeping in line with the modern status quo, nothing more, nothing less. I think the feeling that Arkham Asylum has been through the wars is comprehensible, and comes across really well. Although the physics rating is top notch. The bodies fly with a degree of scientific accuracy, though if that is important to you, then all I can say is, "Shouldn't you be studying the Periodic Table, YOU SAD BASTARD".

The game starts off in an almost rail shooter fashion, with a set path, and knowing where you will definitely go next. This is to help the plot and tension build, but the game opens out once you reach the outside of the Asylum. Of course, a good game isn't so, unless you have lots of little collectibles to find all over the map. I never really bothered too much about collectibles as they don't make me feel any warmer inside, although pouncing on an unsuspecting criminal and hanging him from a gargoyle would make even a nun smile.

The Guinness Book of World Records named it the 'Most Critically Acclaimed Superhero Game', which I still think is unfair seeing he has no superpowers, just the ability to talk in a husky voice and pull off wearing a cape. This was a hugely successful video game, seeing it did compare the dire content of The Punisher and the Fantastic 4. The game itself ended on almost a cliffhanger, but I won't spoil the ending. I would have much rather preferred to see Batman develop Stockholm syndrome and fall madly in love with the Joker; where they then went on to have lots of lovely children and live happily ever after in Commissioner Gordon's attic. Which is another thing. Commissioner's do not go to every bloody crime scene that the Batman also happens to turn up at. Commissioner's sit in their offices in high rise buildings sniffing glue and eating paper-clips.

It's Simple, Kill the Batman. And the makers of Nintendogs if possible.

Baron Chris

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Ode to Valve, how I hate thee.

Ode to Valve, oh I hate thee,
Perhaps none of you have a degree,
But this is no matter, no matter at all,
As you have $100 bills to wipe your drool.

So you made half-life and team fortress 2,
with ample satisfaction,
Gordon Freeman should be here,
to show you some rusty crowbar action.

Do all your customers even matter to you?
Will they even after my analytical review?
Probably not, as you've sailed down,
What's known as shit creek, going into boycott town.

Regarding the lateness of the Left 4 Dead 2 demo, I expect to see AT LEAST 5 Valve staff hanged for this cock up. many died in their brains melting, after realising their job consisted of more than turning a computer on and starting notepad. There are only a few reasons for the lateness in my mind:

1). Valve all overslept since the Beta and are trying to make a quick botched job (as per).
2). Gabe Newell ate the whole script, mistaking it for defenseless customers.
3). Valve didn't get enough out of depriving Counter Strike players out of a new game, after announcing Portal 2 is going to be made instead.
4). Valve want to practice their 'Mad Skillz', before the general public have a chance to.

Bon Chance Valve,
We wish we never knew you.

Baron Chris

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Pirates of the Caribbean (AKA Sea Dogs 2)

Do you remember when Pirates of the Caribbean came out at the cinema, and thinking, "My goodness, this is probably the best pirate film since the days of Errol Flynn and Douglas Fairbanks!"? Well it may just be me then. But we all thought it was a half decent film. Do you also remember the days where most movies which enticed anyone under 16, had some sort of game made about it? Well Pirates of the Caribbean was no different.

Pirates of the Caribbean the game, was brought out in 2003, developed by Akella and published by the wonderful Bethesda Softworks; who also brought us Fallout 3, The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion series and soon to release DOOM 4 in 2010 (hopefully). I said that it was a film game, which usually puts more people off than being offered a Subway sandwich with dried vomit and battery acid filling (so most Subway sandwich). This, for me was one of, perhaps the best film game of all time; predominantly as it has relatively little to do with the film (except for a few mentions of Babarossa and the Black Pearl). The reason for this, is that the game was supposed to be the sequel of Sea Dogs, but they jumped on the brand wagon as soon as they could.

You start off as Captain Nathaniel Hawk, and sail around pillaging other vessels as if you were a hardcore Captain Pugwash. The quests have you working for an English Governor, who bears more resemblance to the fat controller from Thomas the Tank Engine in an English Redcoat, than Bernard Manning acting as an extra on Hornblower. The majority of the quests are amusing to say the least, with a trip over to a neighbouring island, to harass the French occupants. In addition, this is one of the reason which made me keep playing this game- it hates the French more than my contempt for the no smoking laws in public places.

The game is relatively open (like most games from Bethesda), with a simple AI engine, although the dialogue in between characters from time to time gets relatively monotonous, as well as leaving you wishing there was a 'Ram Sword Through Stomach' option. Whilst talking about dialogue, the character's (NPCs) accents sometimes get mixed up and you have an English guard suddenly telling you to bugger off in a Dutch accent.

I feel like I mention the next point too much, and it may just be because I am lazy and can't be bothered to press escape and then save. Yes, my next point is the fact there is no auto save. I like auto save. It stops me losing interest by stopping and starting more than a faulty Skoda. Once you get into the habit of saving every mission or naval battle, it isn't too bad and you get use to it.

I think one of my favourite parts of the game is ship combat. The sword fights are also interesting, but lose the challenge when you have a Quad-barrel hand cannon as well as a rapier which four hits anything. The naval battles are fun, with a maximum of four ships that you can command (one of which you control). There are four different types of ammo, such as grape shot and bombs, which have a reload time and are fired from all four sides of the ship. There is also the possibility to board the enemy ship which I thought was very interesting and highly enjoyable.

You can also have officers, who can fight along side you in meelee combat, but also command ships in naval battles. Although they do sometimes get annoying, and block stairwells and doorways; it's fun to pimp up their gear and have a band of merry men with hand cannons and huge swords. This then allows you to stand back and brew some lemonade whilst your officers shed blood for you. Charming, really.

The whole interface of the game is well presented, and the trade screen is easy to get on with and simple. I found myself very proud after a few hours of game play to have earned, more stolen, enough money to buy a bigger ship. This is one feature of the game. It's a progressive RPG, getting everything bigger and better. For 2003, it's a damn good game, even though many other critics have problems with it. It's far from an action game and in areas, loses pace rapidly and many fans of the film (wherever you are) will fail to appreciate this game, which I believe still needed a bit of work. I think the fact you have to walk around the island without any fast travel (unless you're in a town), is a bit dull and frustrating; but every game has it's faults.

Some more than others. you know who you are Ubisoft.

Baron Chris

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Delta Force: Black Hawk Average

Delta Force: Black Hawk Down Website

When I first picked up the box, I thought, "Wow, this might actually be half decent"; and I wasn't wrong. The problem is that it doesn't excel in any area worth mentioning. The game is as average as a sexual deviant in my local park toilets. That's about it really...

I guess I better lengthen this out, all you Novalogic lovers, who don't know what overusing a brand is. The game basically follows the glorious American army through the Somalian conflict on '92-'93. You begin playing as part of a UN initiative, then a soldier and finally as part of the American Delta Force. The missions are relatively different, mainly focusing around taking prisoners, sabotage and providing security for food distribution and convoys, endlessly going nowhere in particular.

Let's say some nice things before I unleash Hell. The movement is impressive, with stand, crouch and crawl; but also the possibility to peak and roll whilst on the floor. There is a first/third person view which lets you see your characters...well...spine; as well as educational videos about the missions towards the end of the game. But then again, who wants to learn in games- you don't play 50 Cent games to learn how to be a rapper; although wearing your trousers low and treating women like used watermelons apparently helps.

The sign up for multi player disappointed me, with yet another, "Oooh! Oooh! Go to the website and give away personal details, so we can spam your email account with happy greetings from Novalogic!" When you do eventually get online, the maps are far too big, turning them into tedious pick-you-nose sniping matches. The graphics are nothing to boast about (for it's time (2003)), although the size of the maps are pretty decent, giving you various streets to go down and pop out on an enemy from behind, like a crazed PC World's salesman brandishing a store card and anti-static wrist plug.

The difficulty curve is as flat as a gymnast's chest, with one shot kills and Medal of Honour Syndrome; where mounting a machine gun sends three dozen soldiers out of one area, which are plowed down faster than barley. The game in general doesn't play like an intense battlefield action game, but more as an arcade style game. The maps don't make you feel as if you are deep in enemy territory, but more in an arena with a set amount of troops guarding certain barrels or grains of sand throughout the map.

The enemies in the game have the reflexes of someone who has just smoked half the Colombian Rain forest. This is the basis of my comments for your allies. Although you have three or four other heavily armed soldiers with you (I refuse to call them team mates, as I'd rather have my back watched by a Victoria Sponge), it's like you are taking tourists round Mogadishu at their own pace. I had to wait for about twenty minutes whilst Corporal Shnookums found his way into a helicopter, in the middle of a hot 'LZ'.

The sound within the game is far too comical, with Somalians speaking English and enemies being referred to as 'Bad Boys'. Half the mission is a rail shooter, mounted on an MG Jeep or a helicopter, which does get repetitive and dull. Some of the missions have been pinched from the book/film- but fail to do them justice.

Overall, the game's graphics is the high point. If you like Delta Force games, you will like this one. If you're normal, you will probably discard it relatively quickly. The problems are pervasive throughout, with anger and frustration for every moment of gun toting happiness. Although, I did find the some of the Somalian deaths amusing, as many looked like performers from the Cirque de Soleil when dying. I though it also ironic that the UN's food aid is used for cover throughout the game- who said they were useless.

A game more disappointing than many recent game sequels...

*cough* Resident Evil 4/5 | Metal Gear Solid 4 *cough*

Baron Chris